June 2018: Changes, Transitions and Endings
It's June. In the Western Hemisphere, we tend to associate June with the beginning of summer, more sun, warmer days and more light. For those of us in a school setting, we tend to associate June with final exams, end of term grades, graduations and summer vacation. In other words, changes, transitions and endings.
At the middle school level, this looks a bit different than you might expect. The majority of students can articulate their feelings, saying things like, "I'm worried about 8th grade!" or "I'm going to miss my friends!" or "I'm scared to go to 6th/9th grade!" A subset of students, however, can't say these things and instead will emphatically deny any feelings of loss or worry or trepidation. Those are the students who will remind us how much they can't wait to be out of the stupid building, away from our ugly, stupid faces. When we hear students say that? Well, those are the ones we want to talk to for a bit longer. For sure, some of them really can't wait to get away and have no concerns except beginning their summers, but the rest of them? Those are the students for whom change is challenging and overwhelming. The best illustration I've gotten from a student about this was when he was speaking about the feeling in his stomach. "You know how you get butterflies?" he asked me, "Well, I have monkeys. And they're jumping."
One of the best things we can do, as the trusted, consistent, safe adults in our students' and children's lives is to acknowledge how difficult change, any change, can be. Reminding students that even positive, exciting changes come with some degree of stress is important. Validating that whatever they are feeling-- worried, excited, sad, delighted, ready, unprepared-- is okay and then helping them to express those feelings can be a major step towards making the transitions more tolerable. Sometimes this means simply saying something like, "I wonder if it's hard to be feeling so ready to be out of middle school and also feeling a bit sad and nervous to leave what you know. It's often hard to feel two opposite feelings about the same event at the same time."
It is also essential not to take things personally. It's much easier to say goodbye when you're angry or feeling disconnected. It makes the goodbye less painful if you can think to yourself, "Well, I hate them anyway, it's not a big loss to leave." Have you ever ended a relationship due to a fight or argument? Makes it much easier to walk away if that's how you're feeling. So the students we have will often be more irritable, angry, disrespectful, and rude when the endings are upon us. Much easier to burn that bridge than to look back at it longingly. So, don't take it personally. One of my repeated phrases at the time of year goes something like, "It's okay to be angry but it's not okay to be rude and disrespectful." I also say a lot of, "You don't have to burn the bridge down; we're all going to be here in September. We'll still like you then."
Many students will feel that they are the only ones who are feeling what they are feeling. This is where the "I know a student who" or "Many students tell me" can come in handy. For example, "So many of the 8th graders I have worked with over the years have told me that they worry about the academic workload in high school!" As a parent, you might say something like, "I've been talking to a bunch of the other 5th grade parents and they've said their kids are all super excited to walk in the hallways alone but they're also afraid of getting lost and being late to class." Often reminding students that they are not alone in their feelings can be comforting.
As always, in times of change and transition, it is important to maintain as many routines and as much consistency as possible. When students feel changes coming, it is often accompanied by a feeling of losing control. Many students will push back on this feeling by acting out or with increased anxiety or worry. Falling back on consistent routines and expectations can help students feel more secure and safe- at least those things aren't changing.
We can model how we cope with change, transitions and endings as well. Talking about our own feelings about the end of the year can offer students language to express their feelings. For instance, telling a class, "I've so enjoyed watching you grow this year. I'm going to miss you next year and I'll be so glad to see you progressing!" or saying, "I love summer vacation but it's so hard to say goodbye!" Research shows that children are more regulated in the presence of regulated adults so it is important the we do the best we can to remain even and calm in the midst of the end of the year chaos.
Finally, it is important to acknowledge the ending of the school year, regardless of the grade level. All students work hard each year and that work deserves recognition. Taking time to talk about student accomplishments and "best things" of the year, as well as some of the other major events or moments that happened can also help offer students a sense of completion and closure. It is important to focus on both the highlights and positive bits of the year but to also acknowledge the less positive events. Balance is key here as we can't appreciate the "good" without knowing and feeling the "bad." For younger students, it may be helpful to think of it as the "roses and the thorns"- the roses are the positives and the thorns are the negatives.
Changes, transitions and endings are inevitable in life. If we can model for and teach our students how to manage and cope with change, we can given them a valuable skill as they move forward.
Enjoy the warmer temperatures, the sun and the summer!
See you in September!
--Dr. J
See below for more tips and resources for helping students cope with change.
Child Mind Institute: How Can We Help Kids With Transitions?
Psychology Today: Educating Adolescents About Coping with Change
Education.com: Coping with Last Day of School Sadness
At the middle school level, this looks a bit different than you might expect. The majority of students can articulate their feelings, saying things like, "I'm worried about 8th grade!" or "I'm going to miss my friends!" or "I'm scared to go to 6th/9th grade!" A subset of students, however, can't say these things and instead will emphatically deny any feelings of loss or worry or trepidation. Those are the students who will remind us how much they can't wait to be out of the stupid building, away from our ugly, stupid faces. When we hear students say that? Well, those are the ones we want to talk to for a bit longer. For sure, some of them really can't wait to get away and have no concerns except beginning their summers, but the rest of them? Those are the students for whom change is challenging and overwhelming. The best illustration I've gotten from a student about this was when he was speaking about the feeling in his stomach. "You know how you get butterflies?" he asked me, "Well, I have monkeys. And they're jumping."
One of the best things we can do, as the trusted, consistent, safe adults in our students' and children's lives is to acknowledge how difficult change, any change, can be. Reminding students that even positive, exciting changes come with some degree of stress is important. Validating that whatever they are feeling-- worried, excited, sad, delighted, ready, unprepared-- is okay and then helping them to express those feelings can be a major step towards making the transitions more tolerable. Sometimes this means simply saying something like, "I wonder if it's hard to be feeling so ready to be out of middle school and also feeling a bit sad and nervous to leave what you know. It's often hard to feel two opposite feelings about the same event at the same time."
It is also essential not to take things personally. It's much easier to say goodbye when you're angry or feeling disconnected. It makes the goodbye less painful if you can think to yourself, "Well, I hate them anyway, it's not a big loss to leave." Have you ever ended a relationship due to a fight or argument? Makes it much easier to walk away if that's how you're feeling. So the students we have will often be more irritable, angry, disrespectful, and rude when the endings are upon us. Much easier to burn that bridge than to look back at it longingly. So, don't take it personally. One of my repeated phrases at the time of year goes something like, "It's okay to be angry but it's not okay to be rude and disrespectful." I also say a lot of, "You don't have to burn the bridge down; we're all going to be here in September. We'll still like you then."
Many students will feel that they are the only ones who are feeling what they are feeling. This is where the "I know a student who" or "Many students tell me" can come in handy. For example, "So many of the 8th graders I have worked with over the years have told me that they worry about the academic workload in high school!" As a parent, you might say something like, "I've been talking to a bunch of the other 5th grade parents and they've said their kids are all super excited to walk in the hallways alone but they're also afraid of getting lost and being late to class." Often reminding students that they are not alone in their feelings can be comforting.
As always, in times of change and transition, it is important to maintain as many routines and as much consistency as possible. When students feel changes coming, it is often accompanied by a feeling of losing control. Many students will push back on this feeling by acting out or with increased anxiety or worry. Falling back on consistent routines and expectations can help students feel more secure and safe- at least those things aren't changing.
We can model how we cope with change, transitions and endings as well. Talking about our own feelings about the end of the year can offer students language to express their feelings. For instance, telling a class, "I've so enjoyed watching you grow this year. I'm going to miss you next year and I'll be so glad to see you progressing!" or saying, "I love summer vacation but it's so hard to say goodbye!" Research shows that children are more regulated in the presence of regulated adults so it is important the we do the best we can to remain even and calm in the midst of the end of the year chaos.
Finally, it is important to acknowledge the ending of the school year, regardless of the grade level. All students work hard each year and that work deserves recognition. Taking time to talk about student accomplishments and "best things" of the year, as well as some of the other major events or moments that happened can also help offer students a sense of completion and closure. It is important to focus on both the highlights and positive bits of the year but to also acknowledge the less positive events. Balance is key here as we can't appreciate the "good" without knowing and feeling the "bad." For younger students, it may be helpful to think of it as the "roses and the thorns"- the roses are the positives and the thorns are the negatives.
Changes, transitions and endings are inevitable in life. If we can model for and teach our students how to manage and cope with change, we can given them a valuable skill as they move forward.
Enjoy the warmer temperatures, the sun and the summer!
See you in September!
--Dr. J
See below for more tips and resources for helping students cope with change.
Child Mind Institute: How Can We Help Kids With Transitions?
Psychology Today: Educating Adolescents About Coping with Change
Education.com: Coping with Last Day of School Sadness
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