November 2018: Apologizing, Admitting Mistakes, and Reconnecting
It is now suddenly November. We've changed the clocks, the days are
shorter, there's less sunshine and the temperatures have steadily
dropped. We are right in the thick of autumn-turning-to-winter and that
means the holiday rush is coming. While a number of us love this
season, an even larger number of us anticipate it with less positive
feelings. We feel the pressure- the pressure to be with family, the
pressure to celebrate with gifts and food, the pressure to BE JOYFUL and
to BE GRATEFUL. It can be.... overwhelming.
Often when we as the adults are feeling pressure, it makes us irritable, short tempered and less patient. It means that we have less tolerance for our kids, our partners and our co-workers. We have less of ourselves to offer and the situations which normally would be No Big Thing suddenly become the Biggest Thing Possible. We have so much on our minds that we make small mistakes that can have larger consequences. This means we often find ourselves in a position where we might have to apologize for our behavior.
How many of us can say that we are good at apologizing? I often have conversations with other parents and teachers about the value of apologies. Some people come down on the side of making children apologize to each other; others feel that it isn't useful to force the apology (see below for more information on this). Regardless of how you feel about this, there are several steps to a "good" apology, and it's important to know them, both so that you can teach your children how to do it and so that you can make sure you're doing it properly. We've all had the experience where someone tosses off a casual "Oh, sorry!" that doesn't actually make us feel any better. Here's how to avoid that:
Four steps to a "good" apology:
1. Say that you're sorry. "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" is an excellent start. You're expressing your remorse for what has happened. Your tone is important, too.
2. Name and take responsibility for your actions, behaviors and words. "I snapped at you and said mean things. That wasn't okay and I'm sure it hurt your feelings."
3. Try to make it right by making amends. This can be tricky because false promises or overcompensating doesn't feel genuine for the other person. Only offer what you can truly do and make it a conversation, if possible. "I'm not sure how I can make it up to you but I'd like to try" is one way to start.
4. Explain how you will avoid doing it again in the future. "I've been super stressed about the holidays and it's making me impatient. I'm going to try to do more yoga so that I can feel less stress and be more patient. I'm hopeful that it will help me think before I speak."
5. Find a way to reconnect, when you're both ready. Relationships have moments when they feel bad and the way to get past these moments is to reconnect. It's especially important to reconnect when one or both parties has demonstrated vulnerability, which is what we feel when we've been hurt and when we apologize.
Good apologies must be genuine, authentic and meaningful. You must really own what part of the action you can, and you must truly want to help the other person feel better. This is easy when we know we've hurt someone we care about, but it can be more challenging if we don't see what we've done wrong or if we're worried about looking incompetent or powerless. Often, teachers or other adults-in-charge worry that if they apologize and/or admit a mistake they've made that the children or staff they manage will see them as incompetent, or that they will lose the ability to manage the behavior of those they oversee. This could not be further from the truth. When we apologize, we are actually demonstrating confidence and leadership. We are modeling how to own our mistakes and how to repair the mistakes we make. We are showing how important it is to reconnect when we've hurt someone. Power isn't a finite pie; there's more than enough to go around. When we share the power (or pie) we have, we don't have less, we end up with more and with more opportunities for others to share it. Think of the people in your life that you respect. More often than not, those who have our respect are those who visibly own their mistakes and try to do better in the future.
Adults apologizing to kids is incredibly powerful and often overlooked. Many children go through their lives without hearing an adult say that they're sorry for something they've done. It means that children are often expected to own their behavior and apologize but they don't see or feel the same from the adults around them. When the adults can model the behavior, the children feel more connected, respected and safe. When children feel that way (and adults, too), relationships and situations tend to go more smoothly.
So, as the holiday rush begins, take time for yourself. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself (you can apologize to yourself just as much as you can to anyone else!) and when you make a mistake, speak too sharply to someone, or do anything that puts you in a position to apologize-- do it! You'll be surprised how much better you feel when you do and how much more effective you become in your relationships.
Be compassionate and kind!
--Dr. J
See below for more discussion about apologies and making children apologize.
When Should You Make Your Kid Apologize?
Should Parents Make Their Children Apologize?
The Power of Apologizing
(This is a long article by Harriet Lerner, PhD and is geared toward an adult audience as the examples she uses touch on adult themes)
Often when we as the adults are feeling pressure, it makes us irritable, short tempered and less patient. It means that we have less tolerance for our kids, our partners and our co-workers. We have less of ourselves to offer and the situations which normally would be No Big Thing suddenly become the Biggest Thing Possible. We have so much on our minds that we make small mistakes that can have larger consequences. This means we often find ourselves in a position where we might have to apologize for our behavior.
How many of us can say that we are good at apologizing? I often have conversations with other parents and teachers about the value of apologies. Some people come down on the side of making children apologize to each other; others feel that it isn't useful to force the apology (see below for more information on this). Regardless of how you feel about this, there are several steps to a "good" apology, and it's important to know them, both so that you can teach your children how to do it and so that you can make sure you're doing it properly. We've all had the experience where someone tosses off a casual "Oh, sorry!" that doesn't actually make us feel any better. Here's how to avoid that:
Four steps to a "good" apology:
1. Say that you're sorry. "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" is an excellent start. You're expressing your remorse for what has happened. Your tone is important, too.
2. Name and take responsibility for your actions, behaviors and words. "I snapped at you and said mean things. That wasn't okay and I'm sure it hurt your feelings."
3. Try to make it right by making amends. This can be tricky because false promises or overcompensating doesn't feel genuine for the other person. Only offer what you can truly do and make it a conversation, if possible. "I'm not sure how I can make it up to you but I'd like to try" is one way to start.
4. Explain how you will avoid doing it again in the future. "I've been super stressed about the holidays and it's making me impatient. I'm going to try to do more yoga so that I can feel less stress and be more patient. I'm hopeful that it will help me think before I speak."
5. Find a way to reconnect, when you're both ready. Relationships have moments when they feel bad and the way to get past these moments is to reconnect. It's especially important to reconnect when one or both parties has demonstrated vulnerability, which is what we feel when we've been hurt and when we apologize.
Good apologies must be genuine, authentic and meaningful. You must really own what part of the action you can, and you must truly want to help the other person feel better. This is easy when we know we've hurt someone we care about, but it can be more challenging if we don't see what we've done wrong or if we're worried about looking incompetent or powerless. Often, teachers or other adults-in-charge worry that if they apologize and/or admit a mistake they've made that the children or staff they manage will see them as incompetent, or that they will lose the ability to manage the behavior of those they oversee. This could not be further from the truth. When we apologize, we are actually demonstrating confidence and leadership. We are modeling how to own our mistakes and how to repair the mistakes we make. We are showing how important it is to reconnect when we've hurt someone. Power isn't a finite pie; there's more than enough to go around. When we share the power (or pie) we have, we don't have less, we end up with more and with more opportunities for others to share it. Think of the people in your life that you respect. More often than not, those who have our respect are those who visibly own their mistakes and try to do better in the future.
Adults apologizing to kids is incredibly powerful and often overlooked. Many children go through their lives without hearing an adult say that they're sorry for something they've done. It means that children are often expected to own their behavior and apologize but they don't see or feel the same from the adults around them. When the adults can model the behavior, the children feel more connected, respected and safe. When children feel that way (and adults, too), relationships and situations tend to go more smoothly.
So, as the holiday rush begins, take time for yourself. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself (you can apologize to yourself just as much as you can to anyone else!) and when you make a mistake, speak too sharply to someone, or do anything that puts you in a position to apologize-- do it! You'll be surprised how much better you feel when you do and how much more effective you become in your relationships.
Be compassionate and kind!
--Dr. J
See below for more discussion about apologies and making children apologize.
When Should You Make Your Kid Apologize?
Should Parents Make Their Children Apologize?
The Power of Apologizing
(This is a long article by Harriet Lerner, PhD and is geared toward an adult audience as the examples she uses touch on adult themes)
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