January 2019: Difficult Conversations With Kids

Happy New Year!  A bit of a later blog post this month, as we have been getting back into the rhythm of the school day after some time off.  We've been busy as well, working to do the state-mandated SBIRT screening with the 8th grade students. 

SBIRT stands for Screening, Brief Intervention, and Referral to Treatment and is a jointly created program from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) and the Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA).  It is designed to begin conversations with children and adolescents about their use of alcohol and other substances, quickly screen them to gauge where they are in terms of using, and offer small interventions and resources to help them think about their habits (or lack thereof).  You can read more about the use of SBIRT in Massachusetts schools here.

As we (psychologist, counselors and school nurse) implement these screenings, it occurred to us that we view these conversations as routine. We talk to students about difficult things on a daily basis- drugs, alcohol, suicide, depression, worries, heartbreak...  we hear it all.  As a result, we often forget how hard it can be for parents or other adults to begin these conversations with their children.

Research has demonstrated that talking to our kids about difficult things is important.  Children and adolescents notice what is happening around them.  Younger children may not be able to articulate what they are noticing and feeling, but they can pick up on tension around them.  Younger children tend to internalize this and assume they are the cause of the tension.  Teens may present as disconnected or uncaring but they are taking in the emotions of those around them (and they are not immune from believing it is their fault). There is also the belief that as students age, their friends become more important than their parents.  While this is true in some sense, research has proven that if parents stay connected and continue to talk to their teens, there are far better outcomes for them as they transition into emerging adulthood.

How do you talk to a child or adolescent about difficult topics? There are numerous tips and tricks.  A few of them are:  

• Be mindful of the time, the activity and how much you talk.  That is, choose a time when you aren't rushed or when your child is engaged in a preferred activity.   

• When you're talking, it's often more successful to be doing something where minimal eye contact is needed- riding in the car, making dinner, doing yard work, playing basketball.  

• Remember to say what you need to say while also leaving space for your child to respond (or not).  Difficult topics are often emotionally charged and it can be hard to leave that opening.  We often want reassurance or agreement from our children that they've heard, understood and agree with us.  Often, our children will hear us but will not be able or ready to respond.  Do not underestimate the well-placed statement that does not require a response.  For example, "I've been thinking a lot about the news reports about the use of opiates.  I worry that you or your friends are using them.  I have lots of thoughts but would love to hear yours, anytime."  That's an opening that leaves space for your child to respond, either in the moment or later.  

• Don't say too much.  Again, in our need to protect and educate our children, we often want to talk a great deal, listing facts and offering stories of our own or others' experiences to illustrate our points.  In these cases, less is often more.  Say what you need to say, simply and clearly.  Resist the temptation to expand, unless your child begins to engage with you and asks for more.  

• Always start where your child is.  Ask them, "What do you know about...." and meet them there.  Otherwise, you may find yourself talking about sex or drugs or alcohol at a level that is much more than they were thinking. Look for openings in every day life- after watching an ad or hearing a news story, for example- that allow you to ask that question. 

• There is always another chance.  These conversations are not a one time occurrence.  Research suggests that the best kind of communication with children and adolescents is circular in nature.  We revisit topics more than once, at various times, and with varying depths.   Open communication that continues throughout development can help children and adolescents feel comfortable talking to the adults in their lives. 

More resources below to help start and maintain open communication- even about hard topics- with you children.  There are a few TED talks listed that may be appealing to older students and may offer a jumping off point to start a discussion (sometimes we find it easier to start the conversation if it isn't about us), if you have both watched them.  One of those talks describes the development of adolescent brains and can be an excellent reminder for both the adolescent and the parent of how much growth there is in the decade of 12 years old to 22 years old (more on that in a future post). 

Don't be afraid to start and good luck!

Be well,
--Dr. J.

How To Talk to Your Children At Any Age

Talking With Teens

How to Talk With Your Teenagers, Not At Them

TED talk about the adolescent brain (good background before you talk with your child/adolescent)

TED talk with an excellent metaphor for talking about sex and consent

TED talk about staying connected despite substance abuse