November 2021: Self-Talk

As we move away from Halloween and towards Thanksgiving, we're getting more settled into our routines and daily life.  Which means that we are also setting or reinforcing habits, positive and negative.  This month I'm focusing on one habit that we all have, self-talk.  

We all engage in self-talk to varying degrees.  You may talk yourself through a tough task or you may talk yourself through a situation.  This kind of self-talk keeps us focused and moving through the process to an end point.  We often see and hear this kind of self-talk in children as they are learning language and new academic concepts. 

A different kind of self-talk is the more about the messages we tell ourselves every day.  Usually these messages are ones we have picked up from others and internalized. Sometimes they are ones that we have created ourselves. They can be positive but very often, they are not. 

We live in a society that is constantly pushing us to be "better." We are bombarded by products that promise to make us thinner, happier, smarter and wealthier. The underlying message of course, is that we are not enough as we are, rather, we are not good enough at all. When we add in social media, where we are always seeing everyone else's highlight reel, it's no wonder that we so often feel small or inferior by comparison. 

As difficult as this is for us as adults, it's even more challenging for children. As I'm sure you've seen, social media has been found to be especially damaging in this way to adolescent girls. The adolescent brain is still developing and it has not yet developed the ability to take a step back and get a broader perspective.  So if our children are surrounded by an ideal that they perceive to be the norm, it can have a huge impact on the way they see and talk to themselves.  As humans, the more that we compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking, the more bitter and unkind we can become, particularly to ourselves. 

This matters because our own voice is the one we hear non-stop. We can't escape it. If we are constantly feeding ourselves negative messages, we are creating pathways in our minds that become well worn and hard to avoid. Due to the negativity bias, we are hardwired to remember negative experiences more easily. If we are steeped in negative self-talk, it can impact our happiness, our motivation, and our relationships.

How to shift away from this? The answer is- I bet you can guess- positive, kind self talk. It can be as simple as saying, "I didn't get it quite right this time. I can try again later" rather than "I got it wrong again. I can't do anything right." For many of us, this can feel inauthentic or silly but the research says it actually works. It does make sense, though- if kindness is so powerful when we use it with others, it stands to reason that it would be just as powerful when we use it for ourselves. 

It is important that we model this for our children.  Give them the chance to hear you talk to yourself positively.  Encourage them to talk to themselves kindly.  When they say, "I'm so stupid!", try to take a moment to explore that.  Ask them what they mean.  Do they really mean "I'm frustrated that I can't figure this out as quickly as my friend did"?  Maybe they mean "I feel like I should know this already because you've told me multiple times." Help your children understand what they're really saying and help them to reframe it.  "I'm frustrated with myself" or "This is hard and it is making me feel like I can't do it on my own."  Remind your children to talk to themselves as they would talk to someone they love.

Can self-talk erase the problems and difficult situations in our lives?  No, not at all.  Self-talk is not toxic positivity.  Self-talk is empowering and allows us to gain perspective about situations so that we can better problem-solve and make changes if needed.  It allows us the space to grow.  

Remember that it takes a long time to change patterns and habits that have been with us over time.  Be patient with yourself as you work to change your self-talk.  If you hear negative self-talk, don't beat yourself up.  Instead, remind yourself that you're learning a new skill and setting a new habit.  Keep trying!  

Be well,

--Dr J. 

Interested in learning more about how to change your self-talk? Click here.

Want to see examples of positive self-talk?  Click here.